My Pledge: To My Young Guy Readers

I know that sounds presumptuous. I have like four readers total; however, I am now pledging to the four of you is to make sure I start a survival guide (or "guy-d") for good food with no kitchen. I pledge the recipes will be cheap, fail safe (at least, mostly,) tasty, and will impress the chicks.

(Que A-Team theme song.) This is for you, Westie.

Here's the thing: Girls like food. Girls don't want to cook as much as ads from the '50s will lead you to believe. As much as girls like to complain about calories and carbs, they like to eat them, occasionally and like YOU to cook them even more.

Also: Pre-made cookies, chips, burgers, muffins, scones, and all the like are NOT necessary. Even peanut butter can be made by you, in your bedroom if need be, with minimal tools and almost no technical ability.

RISE ABOVE RAMEN!

Not to say that you shouldn't keep the stuff around for the occasional salad topping, though. Oh, that reminds me:

VEGGIES ARE YOUR FRIEND!

You're out of the house! Your mom isn't making you clean your plate anymore. I get it. But trust me: your bowels will like you a lot more if your tummy gets some green in it, and I don't mean JELLO.

CHEESE SHALL NOT COME INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED!

Seriously. Read the ingredients list of that stuff. Know where everything comes from? Are you a chem major dinking around with a mass spec machine? If you answered no to both of those, make friends with the cheese person at the local grocery store. They know way more about what cheese is tasty with what, and they WILL make you a better cook.

CHEESE ALSO DOES NOT COME IN A CAN, BACON FLAVORED, OR IN POWDER FORM!

Want cheese crackers? Buy yourself a silicone baking mat, grate some cheese onto it, bake it, and serve. That's a cracker. Cheese flavored potato chips? Okay, maybe cheese is sometimes okay in powder form. I love Kettle Chips.

BURRITOS SHALL NOT EVER BE FROZEN

Lemme let you in on a little something: If you live in California, you've probably driven by a Taco Truck. You can look up their health and sanitation scores somewhere on your local Health and Safety Board website. Make those people your friends. It's WAY tastier than Taco Bell, and way more exciting.

COFFEE SHALL NOT COST 4 BUCKS A CUP

Spend 4 bucks on a single cup drip coffee maker, and snicker at your friends when they utter the phrase "MAN Starbucks sounds good right now, but they already have all my student lone money!" Starbucks is a summer job, not a daily habit. Trust me; I'm a professional. Or rather, I was a professional.

Okay, rant over. In the interest of uniformity, I'll give you a recipe, now. In the interest of theme, it'll be cheap, easy, and doable in a dorm room.

What you'll need: (Things to buy at the hardware/Bed, Bath, and Beyond/Grocery store:)

1 hotplate. I think they have these at OSH, and maybe even CVS.

1 big ol' pot. Aluminum is fine for this. If there's a Cash 'n Carry near you, go there.

1 Microplaner. This is your new best friend. It's awesome for cheese, whole spices, chocolate, truffles, coconut, and if you're careless, a nasty series of cuts.

1 REALLY good quality 8 inch chef's knife. You WILL hone it every time you touch it. You WILL always hand wash it. It will be sharp enough to shave with, heavy enough to crack seafood shells with, stout enough to do some occasional prying with, ergonomic enough to carve whole chickens with, and cheap enough to justify spending money on. Calphalon makes some awesome ones, and so does Kitchen Aid. Ask the knife guy in Bed, Bath, and Beyond. You'll spend about $25 on it, and another $7-8 on a good honing steel. This just might be the only chef's knife you ever buy if you chose wisely.

1 cutting board. IKEA. They're 1/4" thick, flexible, and plastic. Label them with a sharpie as follows: CHICKEN, RED MEAT, VEGGIES, MISC.

Yes, you will need 4, lest you want to get violently ill.

1 10 inch nonstick aluminum pan. Once again, at the restaurant supply. This has to be cheap, unless you're spending someone else's money. if that's the case, go nuts.

1 10 inch CAST IRON skillet. Not necessary right now, but more on that one later.

1 1 lb box of KOSHER salt. I list this in the "hardware" section for the reason that you should NEVER be without kosher salt, ever. Got it?

1 Herb garden starter kit. They keep well on window sills. They take some watering. They will save you a bunch of money in the long run. Think of them as GEICO for your kitchen.

1 pepper mill. Don't buy the pre ground stuff; you might as well try to flavor your food with sawdust.

2 pairs spring loaded tongs. Yes, 2. One for raw stuff, one for cooked. Once again: Salmonella is the ENEMY.

1 Strainer. They make collapsible ones that fit in the sink, or clever bracket devices outside your window, if you're man enough.

4 plates, 4 bowls, and silverware. Plastic is fine.

FOOD: Grocery store time!

Spaghetti.

Olive oil. Not the extra virgin stuff. This is going to be cheap, remember?

Baby spinach.

A hunk of Parmesan cheese

2 chicken breasts, WITH skin. With or without bone; I don't care.

Red wine vinnegar

a handfull of sun dried tomatoes. WINCO. Bulk section. Gaze upon your new cooking Valhalla.

Now...

Break out that nifty hotplate. Put your pot on it, with about 3 quarts of water. I know, it's a lot. It has to do with carry over, and...just trust me, okay? Now add enough salt to make it taste just a little less salty than sea water. Now some of that olive oil.

Let that come to a boil.

Meanwhile:

Take some of that spinach from before, about a hand full, and rinse it really well. Now stack some of the leaves up on your cutting board and roll them parallel with the stem like a burrito. Now cut that burrito into little tiny cinnamon roll type shapes. They'll unfurl. CONGRATULATIONS, you've just made a chiffonade cut! Fancy.

Cut the tomatoes in little tint strips.

Put some herbage down, (Rosemary and Thyme would be good, as would some basil. Rinsed, of course.) and go nuts with the knife on this stuff. The smaller the pieces, the better.

Put all that aside in three separate little piles of goodness to be, and turn your attention to the chicken.

Rub 'em down with some olive oil, then a BUNCH of salt, (Like about 1 Tbsp each side,) and a little pepper.

Water boiling? Good. Add 1/2 lb of pasta. Let it cook 'till it sticks to the 'fridge, or the ceiling, or your room mate's face. Firm, but tender. That's Al Dente.

Strain. Put it back in the pot. Add some olive oil, a touch of that red wine vinegar, and some minced offerings from your cute little herb garden, and toss with your hand to combine. It will be hot, so be careful. Or man up. Your call.

Put your new nonstick pan on the hotplate with about 2 Tbsp of that olive oil in it, on MED heat. When the oil ripples a little, put the chicken in it, SKIN SIDE DOWN, please, and let it cook for about 4 minutes. Flip with the RAW tongs, and cook for about 5 more minutes, or until the internal temp is about 155 degrees.

Plating:

Pile some of the noodles on a plate. Grind pepper over it. Put half of the spinach down. Now half of the tomatoes. When you're done with this part on both plates, it should have been about 3 minutes since the chicken came out of the pan.

Put that chicken on a clean cutting board, and cut it on the bias, in 1/4" thick chunks. Put it on top of your pasta. Now use your microplaner on the cheese to dust it with Italian goodness.

Serve.

Easy, eh? More later.